What am I doing?

[tiffstoe]

Hi, I’m 52 years old from Southern California. About a year ago my husband and I bought a Windsport 34J. It was our 3rd motorhome. After camping with kids in cramped C class coaches, this one was going to be our biggest dream motorhome yet that had room for everything and with the kids now grown we had big plans to travel and see the country together.
On our maiden voyage about 2 hours into our trip, my husband got ill and pulled over alongside the road. It was obvious that I needed to get him to a hospital but I had never driven a motorhome before, I was always the passenger. Nevertheless, my husband was sick and I needed to handle it. So I drove him white knuckled in the RV to the nearest hospital in the middle of nowhere, AZ. After 4 and a half months of hospitalization and 2 hospital transfers to get him to the best specialists, my husband died in August 2022 age 54 of necrotizing pancreatitis.

Amidst my horrible grief, I have been left alone with this huge 36’ motorhome that I’ve only driven once in an emergency. The obvious solution is to sell it but for some reason I have an attachment to it that I cannot shake. I think it is because he and I had great plans with it. We were going to make great memories traveling together but he never even got to sleep in it once. Ironically I slept in it in the hospital parking lot by myself for nearly a week.

Since then, I have been learning to drive it and have taken friends on a few camping trips to help distract me from my grief. My attachment to it has now grown even stronger. I feel like I should be taking those big trips we dreamed of, to fulfill what we set out to do. But everyone thinks I’m crazy to get out there alone on the road and I might agree with them. I mean, what am I really going to do once I reach a destination? Just sit by myself with a drink and a view? Go hiking somewhere and fall down by myself with no one to help me? My kids are young adults with jobs so they can’t go with me. At 52 I’m fairly young to be a widow, and my friends are still working so there’s really no one who can come with me. Some days I feel courageous and want to plan trips, make my husband proud, but other days I want to just sell it, crawl into bed and hide. I know what my husband would say if he could see me driving this thing all by myself, he’d say “that’s bad a** I knew you could do it!”
Am I asking you what I should do or am I just venting? I don’t know but I guess any advice or conversation about this is welcomed.

[Bob Nodine]

Originally Posted by tiffstoe

Hi, I’m 52 years old from Southern California. About a year ago my husband and I bought a Windsport 34J. It was our 3rd motorhome. After camping with kids in cramped C class coaches, this one was going to be our biggest dream motorhome yet that had room for everything and with the kids now grown we had big plans to travel and see the country together.
On our maiden voyage about 2 hours into our trip, my husband got ill and pulled over alongside the road. It was obvious that I needed to get him to a hospital but I had never driven a motorhome before, I was always the passenger. Nevertheless, my husband was sick and I needed to handle it. So I drove him white knuckled in the RV to the nearest hospital in the middle of nowhere, AZ. After 4 and a half months of hospitalization and 2 hospital transfers to get him to the best specialists, my husband died in August 2022 age 54 of necrotizing pancreatitis.

Amidst my horrible grief, I have been left alone with this huge 36’ motorhome that I’ve only driven once in an emergency. The obvious solution is to sell it but for some reason I have an attachment to it that I cannot shake. I think it is because he and I had great plans with it. We were going to make great memories traveling together but he never even got to sleep in it once. Ironically I slept in it in the hospital parking lot by myself for nearly a week.

Since then, I have been learning to drive it and have taken friends on a few camping trips to help distract me from my grief. My attachment to it has now grown even stronger. I feel like I should be taking those big trips we dreamed of, to fulfill what we set out to do. But everyone thinks I’m crazy to get out there alone on the road and I might agree with them. I mean, what am I really going to do once I reach a destination? Just sit by myself with a drink and a view? Go hiking somewhere and fall down by myself with no one to help me? My kids are young adults with jobs so they can’t go with me. At 52 I’m fairly young to be a widow, and my friends are still working so there’s really no one who can come with me. Some days I feel courageous and want to plan trips, make my husband proud, but other days I want to just sell it, crawl into bed and hide. I know what my husband would say if he could see me driving this thing all by myself, he’d say “that’s bad a** I knew you could do it!”
Am I asking you what I should do or am I just venting? I don’t know but I guess any advice or conversation about this is welcomed.

Sorry for your loss but I am with your speculation of what your husband would say, go for it. Get out there and have fun and make more memories. Join a local RV club and go to local rallies. Join one of the singles RV clubs and travel with them. Also sign up for a tour with a commercial outfit like Fantasy RV Tours and you will be traveling with a group.

[Judge]

Hello.. I'm so sorry you are going thru this! (this is Judge's wife) I was widowed in 2011 at the age of 47.

So now that you have driven the motorhome a few times.... is it a white knuckle drive or do you feel fairly comfortable?

Your desire to travel is not going to go away just because you are now solo.... and you will still be alone whether you are in a campground or at your sticks and bricks.

If it stresses you out driving 36', trade it in for something smaller and keep traveling. If you are comfortable driving it, then keep it and keep traveling.

There are ways to find hiking partners or stick to the safer, easier more traveled trails. You have to rebuild your life anyway so build it the way you want it.

There is a blogger whose husband died and she traveled around the country scattering his ashes.

I will send you a private message from my husband Judge's account with my email address. I can then send you more information that I used to help me start over and maybe it could help you on this new journey.

Karen

[The Gritz Carlton]

The lady/very close family friend thats traveling out west with us in her Travado next month lost her husband midstream during their Grest Loop cruise aboard their Nordic Tug jist a few short years ago. After a few months of grieving, she continued on that journey and completed it. Several friends joined her along the route helping navigate and assisting her as 1st mate. I actually flew into Oswego, NY, boarded with her and negotiated the famous Trent-Severn Waterway through 47 locks across 245 miles over two weeks. She finished what they started, eventually sold the boat and bought a motorhome. She's now driven 45K miles around this country and will finish her "every state" list on our journey together next month. She will take a 10 day break in Jackson, WY where she is flying her entire family out for a week at a dude ranch. After that, she will continue on by herself to their riverside cabin in Detour, MI where he actually died. This was 4+ years ago. She is now 82 years old and swears she will die someday with a set of keys to something in her hand. She just got back from a 100+ mile trek on snowmobiles with one of her daughters in Grand Rapids. I am 70, my wife is 64 and we'llhave a tough time keeping up with her. NEVER GIVE UP and follow that dream you both planned together. Downsizing your coach would be a lot less stress on you but that is assuming on my part that you are. Prayers up for you and keep those big wheels turning. Moss doesn't grow on rolling stones.

[RizeMaster]

Originally Posted by tiffstoe

Am I asking you what I should do or am I just venting? I don’t know but I guess any advice or conversation about this is welcomed.

Have you considered downsizing? I have driven a 37ft bus before, but did not enjoy it at all. Going to a Class B 19ft camper that can be driven and parked basically anywhere, gets twice the mileage, and doesn't give me the heebie jeebies every time I am backing up is... liberating.


So sorry about your loss... scary story. I am 55 and in good health, but yeah, one never knows what tomorrow will bring.

[The Gritz Carlton]

"one never knows what tomorrow will bring."

Don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will have enough worries of its own.

[ducksface]

Join a travel group.
Go to a rendezvous.
I bet there are 20 per month somewhere in the States.
We've made and met dear friends in rv parks and on caravan.
Don't downsize. Some missed what you wrote about emotional attachment. Downsizing admits a bit of defeat....

Also:
Let me take advantage a bit of the situation.

An open letter to everyone,
Your spouse being unwilling to drive the motorhome is one of the dumbest things I've ever learned about the human race.

If you're a member of this too untrainable group please learn the lesson the op did.
It's silly to not be available in an emergency.
Op bucked up, did what needed done, and succeeded.
Could your spouse be that brave?
(My guess is you don't think your spouse can or they'd be driving the RV)

No excuses. The op didn't make any excuses.
Make the spouse do it. I'm,pretty sure the fight will be worth it.
Scream if you have to after making them read the op's post.


Just a psa.
You all sort out who's who.

(Gritz,
That's what friends do. Thanks for doing that for her.
I'll supply steaks as big as my head when you're near the south rim)

[The Gritz Carlton]

We'll be there soon but...I don't think you can find a steak that big...all the dinosaurs are gone. We'll reach out when we get close to you. She saved the hardest part of that route for me....my 100T USCG Captain's License was put to work. That's a tough run through there.

[ducksface]

I was taking the captain test because the guy who bought my boat failed 5(ish) times and couldn't run the charter.
Then I woke up and decided someone that dumb wasnt someone wanted to take responsibility for.

Let me know when.
There's a fine rv space here at the ranch(a member here parked/camped in my garage to keep out of the cold) but we're a mile down a good dirt road....

[ador]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Grieve as long as you have to, you need to. Then think about the plans you and your husband have about travelling. It may bring you some tears, hoping that he is there with you. But keep him in your mind and heart. Fulfill those dreams and travel plans (if you can). If the size of the RV is too big for your need, try to downsize to a smaller one. Life is full of uncertainties. Live life to the fullest. We are all on borrowed time. Safe travels.

[tiffstoe]

Originally Posted by Judge

Hello.. I'm so sorry you are going thru this! (this is Judge's wife) I was widowed in 2011 at the age of 47.

So now that you have driven the motorhome a few times.... is it a white knuckle drive or do you feel fairly comfortable?

Your desire to travel is not going to go away just because you are now solo.... and you will still be alone whether you are in a campground or at your sticks and bricks.

If it stresses you out driving 36', trade it in for something smaller and keep traveling. If you are comfortable driving it, then keep it and keep traveling.

There are ways to find hiking partners or stick to the safer, easier more traveled trails. You have to rebuild your life anyway so build it the way you want it.

There is a blogger whose husband died and she traveled around the country scattering his ashes.

I will send you a private message from my husband Judge's account with my email address. I can then send you more information that I used to help me start over and maybe it could help you on this new journey.

Karen

thank you so much for the encouragement Judge/Karen and I am so sorry to hear you've lost a spouse as well. In the few trips Ive taken I have actually begun to enjoy driving it. I think for now I will keep it although I change my mind back and forth every week

[tiffstoe]

Originally Posted by The Gritz Carlton

The lady/very close family friend thats traveling out west with us in her Travado next month lost her husband midstream during their Grest Loop cruise aboard their Nordic Tug jist a few short years ago. After a few months of grieving, she continued on that journey and completed it. Several friends joined her along the route helping navigate and assisting her as 1st mate. I actually flew into Oswego, NY, boarded with her and negotiated the famous Trent-Severn Waterway through 47 locks across 245 miles over two weeks. She finished what they started, eventually sold the boat and bought a motorhome. She's now driven 45K miles around this country and will finish her "every state" list on our journey together next month. She will take a 10 day break in Jackson, WY where she is flying her entire family out for a week at a dude ranch. After that, she will continue on by herself to their riverside cabin in Detour, MI where he actually died. This was 4+ years ago. She is now 82 years old and swears she will die someday with a set of keys to something in her hand. She just got back from a 100+ mile trek on snowmobiles with one of her daughters in Grand Rapids. I am 70, my wife is 64 and we'llhave a tough time keeping up with her. NEVER GIVE UP and follow that dream you both planned together. Downsizing your coach would be a lot less stress on you but that is assuming on my part that you are. Prayers up for you and keep those big wheels turning. Moss doesn't grow on rolling stones.

WOW! thats a very encouraging story, thank you so much for sharing it. This gives me so much more to think about.

[tiffstoe]

Originally Posted by RizeMaster

Have you considered downsizing? I have driven a 37ft bus before, but did not enjoy it at all. Going to a Class B 19ft camper that can be driven and parked basically anywhere, gets twice the mileage, and doesn't give me the heebie jeebies every time I am backing up is... liberating.


So sorry about your loss... scary story. I am 55 and in good health, but yeah, one never knows what tomorrow will bring.

I actually got past white knuckled driving and am now beginning to enjoy driving it.

[tiffstoe]

Originally Posted by ducksface

Join a travel group.
Go to a rendezvous.
I bet there are 20 per month somewhere in the States.
We've made and met dear friends in rv parks and on caravan.
Don't downsize. Some missed what you wrote about emotional attachment. Downsizing admits a bit of defeat....

Also:
Let me take advantage a bit of the situation.

An open letter to everyone,
Your spouse being unwilling to drive the motorhome is one of the dumbest things I've ever learned about the human race.

If you're a member of this too untrainable group please learn the lesson the op did.
It's silly to not be available in an emergency.
Op bucked up, did what needed done, and succeeded.
Could your spouse be that brave?
(My guess is you don't think your spouse can or they'd be driving the RV)

No excuses. The op didn't make any excuses.
Make the spouse do it. I'm,pretty sure the fight will be worth it.
Scream if you have to after making them read the op's post.


Just a psa.
You all sort out who's who.

(Gritz,
That's what friends do. Thanks for doing that for her.
I'll supply steaks as big as my head when you're near the south rim)

Ducksface, Crash course #2 for me......After I had to buck up and drive my husband to the hospital in AZ, he was admitted for 5 days. They let me sleep in the hospital parking lot in it until he was airlifted to our local hospital in CA so I had to drive it back alone. I thought it would be as straighforward as it was the first time but boy was I wrong. I'll never attempt to drive a motorhome again without first checking wind conditions. On the 40 freeway between Ludlow and Barstow, I was hit with 40mph winds and scared to death. By the time I got to Barstow, I had a nervous breakdown for about an hour, then got back in the drivers seat and kept going.

[tiffstoe]

Originally Posted by Bob Nodine

Sorry for your loss but I am with your speculation of what your husband would say, go for it. Get out there and have fun and make more memories. Join a local RV club and go to local rallies. Join one of the singles RV clubs and travel with them. Also sign up for a tour with a commercial outfit like Fantasy RV Tours and you will be traveling with a group.

Thank you for the suggestions Bob Nodine, I didnt know so many options existed. You are spot on about living life to its fullest, my late husband's motto was actually, "this ain't no test life."

[tiffstoe]

Originally Posted by ador

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Grieve as long as you have to, you need to. Then think about the plans you and your husband have about travelling. It may bring you some tears, hoping that he is there with you. But keep him in your mind and heart. Fulfill those dreams and travel plans (if you can). If the size of the RV is too big for your need, try to downsize to a smaller one. Life is full of uncertainties. Live life to the fullest. We are all on borrowed time. Safe travels.

My husband had a motto, "this ain't no test life!" At his Celebration of life, they made a toast to him and quoted his motto, over 200 people all saying " this aint no test life," together <3 He knew how to live life to the fullest, I want to continue with his spirit of living and make him proud. I may be lonely out on the road but I'll be making him proud.

[tiffstoe]

Crash course #1 was driving it for the first time while my husband was getting sick.

Crash course #2 was driving it in 40mph winds by myself while he was being airlifted. so scary! I survived but I'll never do that again.

Crash course #3 Five months after he passed, took friends on my first trip without him, front drivers tire blewout on the 40 in the middle of Nowhere, AZ. so scary, but pulled over and we survived. Tread was ripped to shreds.

Crash course #4 planned a trip with my adult kids to Santa Cruz. After picking it up from storage and driving it to my house, engine was rattling when I accelerated, losing power, and engine light came on. Limped it home and cancelled trip with the kids. Learned the hard way that motorhome repair place is not the same as Ford repair place and those are hard to find. But I got it fixed, they replaced 4 spark plug wires. Its been fine ever since.

I was beginning to think the motorhome was cursed so I got back in the saddle and tried another trip with friends. I told myself that if one more thing goes wrong that its a sign and I will sell it. Well, everything was fine and we had a wonderful trip.

I've had 2 more trips since and now I enjoy driving it. I figured out how to dump tanks, pull into a gas station, back into a campsite. I think the next thng I need to learn is driving mountain roads and keeping it in lower gears. I know nothing about that but need to figure it out before our annual tradition of camping at Shaver Lake, CA

Wish me luck please. I need it!

[MLP]

Originally Posted by tiffstoe

Crash course #1 was driving it for the first time while my husband was getting sick.

Crash course #2 was driving it in 40mph winds by myself while he was being airlifted. so scary! I survived but I'll never do that again.

Crash course #3 Five months after he passed, took friends on my first trip without him, front drivers tire blewout on the 40 in the middle of Nowhere, AZ. so scary, but pulled over and we survived. Tread was ripped to shreds.

Crash course #4 planned a trip with my adult kids to Santa Cruz. After picking it up from storage and driving it to my house, engine was rattling when I accelerated, losing power, and engine light came on. Limped it home and cancelled trip with the kids. Learned the hard way that motorhome repair place is not the same as Ford repair place and those are hard to find. But I got it fixed, they replaced 4 spark plug wires. Its been fine ever since.

I was beginning to think the motorhome was cursed so I got back in the saddle and tried another trip with friends. I told myself that if one more thing goes wrong that its a sign and I will sell it. Well, everything was fine and we had a wonderful trip.

I've had 2 more trips since and now I enjoy driving it. I figured out how to dump tanks, pull into a gas station, back into a campsite. I think the next thng I need to learn is driving mountain roads and keeping it in lower gears. I know nothing about that but need to figure it out before our annual tradition of camping at Shaver Lake, CA

Wish me luck please. I need it!

So sorry for your loss. Keep driving. You don't need a lot of luck, just keep up the maintenance and watch the tires. A TPMS will not tell you about a blowout before it happens, but will tell and warn you of a tire heating up or going flat before it is a big problem. If you don't have one, I would think about getting one in the future. Camping can be very relaxing. If the wind picks up, slow down. If you have to put your flashers on to warn others you are going slower, do so. I watch trucks. If they start swaying do to wind gusts, slow down. We have been across the country four times. Even found an RV park down a steep canyon that had the hurricane winds go across the top and hardly affect us except for the heavy rain. Happy camping.

[tiffstoe]

Originally Posted by MLP

So sorry for your loss. Keep driving. You don't need a lot of luck, just keep up the maintenance and watch the tires. A TPMS will not tell you about a blowout before it happens, but will tell and warn you of a tire heating up or going flat before it is a big problem. If you don't have one, I would think about getting one in the future. Camping can be very relaxing. If the wind picks up, slow down. If you have to put your flashers on to warn others you are going slower, do so. I watch trucks. If they start swaying do to wind gusts, slow down. We have been across the country four times. Even found an RV park down a steep canyon that had the hurricane winds go across the top and hardly affect us except for the heavy rain. Happy camping.

thank you so much for the advice about driving in the wind, I was initially trying to drive fast through it to get it over with but quickly realized that was a bad idea. Minus any knowledge of driving in the wind, it was best for me to pull over. I have ordered a TPMS that my late husband's friend will install and setup for me. I definitely think it will be money well spent for the peace of mind it will provide.

[The Gritz Carlton]

If driving conditions get so bad you feel you need to turn on flashers to warn otjer drivers you are a hazard to them while driving...stop somewhere. That is very dangerous and illegal in a lot of states.